Red vs Blue vs Angel
by RoboVolcano4
Summary: Shinji Ikari needed help. Thankfully or unfortunately...help comes in some weird forms. 7 simulated soldier waging a war against each other, a spanish speaking robot, a bitchy freelancer, a pacifistic medic, and an extremely violent blood explosion extraordinaire AI. Why couldn't this have happened in the canon. Rated M for violence, language, and Caboose.


**Blood Gulch, Blue Base: **

"Church! Church!"

Leonard L. Church or just Church by his friends, was having a bad day. Or is bad an understatement? If it is he was having the most fucking terrible day in his entire friggin life! Not only was O'Malley out there plotting something, not only did Tex run away...again, nt only have the Reds not attacked lately which has put him on the edge, but he is having to deal with his idiot companion, Caboose, early in the morning. He sighed and replied, "What is it Caboose?"

The blue armored 'Blue' soldier looked at his 'friend' with big eyes under his helmet and was so excited to inform Church of his findings. "Church, I just found out...my armor is colored blue. That must mean...I am on the blue team."

Church just looked at him. "Caboose. I swear to god, one of these days I am going to snap. And at that point I will kill you. So unless you have anything important to say, such your fucking mouth!"

"Yeah that's right," stated the third member of the 'Blues', Tucker. "Just shut up Caboose."

Church then turned his sights onto Tucker. "That means you too Tucker, so can it."

"What?! What did I do?!"

Caboose then looked at his teal colored 'teammate' and said to him, "It is because you are not his best friend."

"Shut up Caboose. Why Tucker? I will tell you why. The reason why I want you to shut up too is because for the last few days I have not been able to get any sleep what so ever. And the reason of that is because when ever you two get in to an argument, you two always come to me to tattle on the other. And it has been driving me nuts! Can I please get some sleep for just a few fucking hours?! Is that too much to ask for?!"

Caboose then looked at Tucker and then to Church. "It was Tucker's fault."

Church then looked straight at Caboose. If he wasn't just a ghost in a robot body, would be glaring holes through him right now. "Caboose! I..you...him...ARGH!" It was at that moment he came up with a brilliant plan. "Hey Caboose, you want to help me something?"

As the words left his mouth, Caboose's eyes widened. "Yes! Church, I will help you with anything because I am your best friend!"

"OK Caboose, I'm going to need you, you Caboose, to go up to the top of the base. There you are going to play look out using the sniper rifle-"

"Oh come on! Really Church?!"

"Can it Tucker. There Caboose, you will you the sniper to be a look out. And if you see anything strange and when I mean strange I mean something happening to the base or the Reds invading us, I need you to come down to get me or Tucker. Preferably Tucker. Do you understand me Caboose, this is very important."

Caboose shook his head as he was asked this. "Yes I understand." He then ran out of the base to head topside while yelling, "I will not fail you!"

After a minute of silence, Tucker turned to his friend and asked, "So how long do you think this is going to last?"

He then looked at Tucker, "Honestly? About Three hours, four tops."

"So why did you do it?"

"Tucker, I get three hours of perfect fucking silence why should I not do it?"

Tucker then looked out where Caboose. "Still...I know he is going to find some way to fuck this up."

"Tucker, do you not think I don't know that. Of course I know he is going to fuck this up. My only hope is that he doesn't do it anywhere near me."

"What are you worried about? You're dead. If anything, you should be that last person to worry about it."

"I hope so Tucker I hope so."

Another moment of silence passed before it was broken by Tucker. "Hey what do you think the Reds are up to?"

"I don't know! Probably just messing around like usual."

* * *

**Blood Gulch, Red Base:**

"Simmons," asked Grif.

"Hm," replied Simmons.

"What do you think the Blues are up to?"

"I don't know Grif. Probably just messing around like usual."

"Don't you two get it? They are most likely plotting some way on how to invade us. Dirty Blues!" Grif sighed as he heard his sergeant, Sarge, ramble on how the Blues are going to try to invade them. At that moment, Donut came over and joined in the conversation.

"But Sarge...aren't they supposed to attack us," Donut asked. _"Like that will convince him,' _thought Grif.

"Argh...those dirty blues! Doing what they are supposed to do!"

Then Grif, who was tired of hearing everyone talking spoke up, "Or maybe they are just lying around trying to figure out what to do."

"Grif! Shut your damn mouth before I shoot a shotgun shell in it! See how that tastes," replied an aggravated Sarge.

"Excellent joke sir!"

"Thank you Simmons."

Grif then turned towards Simmons. "Kiss ass."

Simmons then gave a glare at Grif from underneath his helmet and replied back, "At least I use my mouth for something other than eating!"

The orange soldier then turned back to Sarge and Donut. "I'm serious guys. Maybe they just don't know what to do and they are just lying around." It was a possibility. No one has attacked anyone for almost a week now. If you don't count Sarge going after Grif.

The Red team leader just looked at Grif. He then replied back with, "Grif! that may be the dumbest theory I have ever heard of! Of course the Blues know what to do! They are just waiting for the right time to attack us! Isn't that right Lopez?"

The Spanish speaking replied to his 'father' with, "_No, the orange one is most likely right. The enemy team is most likely just trying to figure out what the hell they are to do_."

Sarge just laughed at what the robot head said. "Thank you Lopez. I knew you would agree with me. See Grif? I'm right. Just as usual."

Lopez then said, "_One day I will kill everyone in this canyon. Starting with you. And then I will roll away with the beautiful SHELIA._"

Grif just sighed. He knew he was not going to win this one. As usual. He decided it would be best if he would try to get some sleep before Sarge ordered him to do something stupid and ridiculous. Donut the spoke up again, "Hey Sarge speaking of Lopez, when do you think his new body will be done?"

Sarge turned to look at Donut, "I'm close to finishing thanks to those spare parts command sent."

"Yeah, it's a good thing they sent us those parts really soon," Simmons said.

"Yeah, along with some stupid fucking commands," Grif mumbled to himself. "Honestly can this day get any worse than it already is?"

"Grif, Simmons! I also need you two to look at the Warthog!"

Grif just stood there with a blank look on his helmeted face. "Should have closed my fucking mouth."

* * *

**Blood Gulch, Some Cliff:**

"MWAHAHAHAHA! Soon my evil plan will finally come to fruition," yelled the evil genius O'Malley. He had returned to Blood Gulch and again in the middle of the night messed with both the Red and Blue teams teleporters by placing a bomb on them. Now all he had to do was to push the button and send them all to hell. "Now goodbye all you foolish fool-"

**Click**

"I don't think so O'Malley. Drop the switch." He then turned around and came face to face with a very familiar face. His old host body, Agent Tex. She was pointing an assault rifle straight at his head.

"Well well well. Tex. So nice of you to join us on this fine-"

"Can it! I'm going to enjoy doing what I should have done to you a long time ago. But first, drop the switch." Tex was not in the mood to play games. She had been trying to find this asshole for a week now. Not only that. but she had also lost her former teammate and friend, York. But that not that she found O'Malley and was she going to be a bitch.

"Oh this switch? The one that I-"

"And me both made. You now what they say O'Malley, sharing is caring," spoke up Doc, the current host of the violent AI.

"Oh shut up you fool! As I was saying, I would love to but-"

**Click**

"Hello mate," said Wyoming, a freelancer who was hired by O'Malley. He had just caught up with everyone and now had a sniper pointed at her head.

"Ah you cockbites!"

O'Malley then started to laugh maniacally as he turned back to face the boxed canyon. "MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Now there is nothing that will stop me from sending them to oblivion!"

"You mean the one with Tom Cruise," Doc asked curiously.

"Shut up you fool! And no, that movie was shit. Now then, GOODBYE YOU FOOLS!" AS he said that he pressed the button on the switch and...

...

...

...

...

nothing happened.

Wyoming was the one to break the silence. "Was something supposed to happen?"

With out turning his head, O'Malley held up a hand. "Give it a moment."

After another minute of silence, Tex spoke up this time, "Uh...seriously. Was something supposed to happen?"

O'Malley just looked at the device in his hand. "I don't understand. I made all the calculations myself. I made sure to correctly instruct that foolish foo-." He then stopped his sentence as if he figured out something. "You fool! Did you do everything like I told you to!"

Doc then spoke up, "Of course I did. I made sure the wires were correct even. Red to blue, blue to red-"

"You fool! It's blue to blue, red to red. All that work for nothing!" He then threw the device on the floor and started to stomp on it.

Both Wyoming and Tex looked at each other and then back at O'Malley with a confused stare. Wyoming then spoke up to his boss, "Uh...are you sure it's OK to stomp on that thing?"

Doc then spoke to his mind roommate. "Yeah, please O'Malley stop. I worked hard to help."

"Oh shut up you fool! This is all your fault!" As he said this, his foot went completely thru the switch and when that happened it start to spark up everywhere. It then said in a monotone, '**Bomb armed. Thank you. Mwahahaha.**' The switch started to beep after that.

"Uh... is it supposed to do that," asked Tex.

O'Malley just looked at what had happened. "No...but this wil work. MWAHAHAHAHAHA!"

* * *

**Blue Base:**

One hour into Church's needed sleep, a blue soldier ran into the base yelling his name. "Church! Church! CHURCH!" He then woke up from his sleep with his anger rising at his stupid teammate.

"What Caboose! What is so important that you had to come and wake me up?!"

Caboose had then calmed down when he woke up Church. He then started to speak to him, "Church something is wrong with the teleporter!"

For the first when it came to Caboose informing him, Church was worried. The teleporter had something wrong with it? "What?! What's wrong with it," he asked in a worried tone.

"It's glowing!" It was a bluff. He should have known it from the beginning when he was woken up.

"Caboose, it's always glowing you fucking idiot," stated Tucker who had been listening in. "What's different about it now?"

Caboose then faced the aqua colored soldier. "It is glowing even more."

There was a brief silence before Church spoke up. "Tucker, can I borrow your sword?"

"Why?"

Church then looked at Tucker while saying to him, "Because, when I stab him in the head, I want to see if there is any brain matter in his head. Cause honestly, I can't tell if there is anything in there."

"I don't think that is how it works Church."

"Tucker...does it look like I care? I am honestly going to kill him if things keep going this way."

Caboose who had not caught on, spoke up again, "Church! Church!"

Church sighed. When Caboose got like this he was like a puppy that won't take no for an answer. Might as well and see what the big deal is. Get it over with. "Alright Caboose, show us what you mean." The three then went up to the top of the base to find the teleporter...did not look any different from the last time they saw it. "OK...what am I seeing here Caboose," asked an annoyed Church. "It looks about the same as it always does. So what is new?"

Tucker spoke up, "Yeah Caboose, I don't see what is different. I looks about the same as always. Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Tucker, shut up. Caboose, answer. Now."

"Oh...you see...it is different because...it is more glowing."

Church gave a sigh. "You know Caboose...I really fucking..hate...yo- Wait...what the hell is with the teleporter?" All three turned to see it glowing uncontrollably.

* * *

**Red Base:**

"Grif! What the hell did you do to our teleporter," asked a very angry Sarge to his subordinates. AS he was working on Lopez's body, he turned to see that the teleporter that they had at the base was glowing very strangely. And he then came to the most logical conclusion on why it was doing this. He blamed Grif.

Grif replied back saying, "I didn't do anything! I wasn't anywhere near it!"

It was then Simmons spoke, "Yeah Sarge, as much as I hate sticking up for Grif, he nowhere near the teleporter. He was busy monkeying about in the Warthog."

The orange armored soldier looked at his teammate. "Seriously...who says that?"

Sarge then looked back and forth between the two bickering soldiers. "Well if it wasn't Grif...the who?" He looked all within his eyesight and spotted a certain head. "Lopez. Did you happen to touch the teleporter?"

Lopez gave him a very angry scowl, if he had one, and replied to the question, "_I don't have arms or legs! How do you expect me to mess with it if I can't touch it?_"

Sarge gave a chuckle, "Don't worry little buddy. I won't be mad at since you did it."

Grif heard this and yelled at his commanding officer, "You would have just been mad at me even if I did do it!"

"Are you admitting to doing it?"

"_I am surrounded by idiots._"

* * *

**The Cliff:**

As the lights down at both bases started to increase, so did Wyoming's anxiousness about the situation on hand. "Um...O'Malley. Don't you think maybe we should..um...I don't know...leave?"

The evil purple genius then turned towards his henchman. "Nonsense you fool! I want to see how high the explosion reaches and.."

**'Error! Error! Explosion range has been changed. New range: within the entire canyon of Blood Gulch. Thank you. Mwahahaha."**

Everyone looked at the crushed device with a worried face on them. Doc broke the silence. "Um...is that supposed that happen."

"...Quiet you fool," O'Malley said softly.

**Kaboom!**

* * *

**Blue Base:**

"Son of a bitch," yelled Church!

* * *

**Red Base:**

Both Grif and Simmons yelled at the same time, "Son of a bitch!"

* * *

**The Cliff:**

"Son of a bitch," yelled Tex. And then everything was covered with a white light. And then...silence.

* * *

**Church's POV**

Ugh...what happened? The last thing I remember was an explosion and then I saw a bright light. As I was laying here seeing complete darkness, I heard voices speak up.

"...urch!"

"...up...!"

They sound very familiar...and very annoying. As I opened my eyes I came face to face with the owners of the voices.

"Church! You're alive! I knew you were alive!" Caboose was kneeling next to me as I was laying down on the floor.

"Well well, looks whos is up. Bow chicka bow wow," said Tucker. God damn how I hate it when he says that. It is so fucking annoying.

"Tucker shut up. Anyway what happened," I asked still trying to gain my composure.

Tucker was the one to speak up, "I don't know. All I know is that there was an explosion and we were then covered in white stuff. Bow chicka bow wow!"

"Really Tucker?! In this situation," I yell at him.

He just looked at me. "Had to man. Anyway, after that I became unconscious. And then I woke up to a place even more shittier than the canyon."

"Oh come on Tucker. It can't be any worse than the-" I stopped myself mid-sentence as I looked around to see what he meant. God this place was shittier than Blood Gulch. Some buildings are being repaired, the streets are empty, and barely any stores look open. "I never thought I say this but...I miss the canyon."

"Uh...Church," said Caboose.

"Not now Caboose. Now, anything else I should be aware of Tucker?"

"Nothing on the top of my head other than the fact that all of us had shrunk." What? What is he talking about?

"Tucker what the fuck are you talking-" I then turn to see a building with a reflective mirror, to see what he meant. I had shrunk. No that is incorrect. We alll have shrunk. My reaction was pretty normal. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!" See. Normal. "What the fuck happened to us. We 're small!"

"Well you're small, but I'm still pretty big. Bow chicka bow wow!"

"REALLY TUCKER! EVEN NOW YOU ARE GOING TO DO THAT?!"

"Uh..Church?"

"Shut up Caboose! Well, isn't this just great!?"

Tucker then spoke up, "Aw come on. It isn't that bad."

"Not that bad? NOT THAT BAD?! Tucker we have just shrunken and are lost from our base and you say this isn't that bad?! From what definition are you reading about not being bad?!"

"We still have our armor and weapons," he replied back.

"Oh! We still have our weapons and armor? Well whoop-de-fucking-do! What good is that gonna do us in this environment in which we have absolutely no information on whatsoever!"

"Uh...Church?"

I turn towards with my rage at an all time high. "WHAT?! What is so fucking important Caboose?!"

**Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click**

I then slowly turn around to see what was important. What came in my view was 8 men in black suits and sunglasses pointing pistols at us. One of them then yelled out at us, "Drop your weapons and put your hands above your head."

I then turn back to face my teammates. "Caboose...Tucker...in case I don't get to say this later...ow." And then I was knocked on the back of my head with someones pistol. "Ow!" I then blacked out again. I knew today was going to be a fucking bad day. The only thing I can ask now is, how can it get worse?

**Whew...how was that. Hello everybody RoboVolcano4 again here with a new story. First I will be updating A New Story soon. Second this is a crossover between one of my favorite shows and one of my most hated ones: Red vs Blue and Neon Genesis Evangelion. I came up with this idea after looking in the crossover section and noticing a distinct lack of this type of crossover with Eva. So I just started typing. And now if you are wondering why it is in the regular section and not the crossover section, well...it is becasue I want people to actually read this story. But any way please review, follow, and favorite and I will see you next time.**

**NGE belongs to Gainax**

**Red vs Blue belongs to RosterTeeth and Halo**

**I own nothing off this non profit fanbased parody.**


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